A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind
of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart. Conditions were
perfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over,
"tell me when we're having fun" kind of day.
One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she
was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he
was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form
of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of
course, and the pain did not go away.
If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know
that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. So, with
time running out, the woman weighed her options. Her husband,
picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she
was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No
one would even notice, he assured her. The white would provide more than
adequate camouflage.So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing
and proceeded to do her thing.
If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is
a right way and a wrong way to "set" your skis so you don't move.
Yup, you got it. She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep slopes are not
forgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found
herself skiing backward, out of control, racing through the trees,
somehow missing all of them, and onto another slope. Her derriere
and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees,
and she was picking up speed all the while. She continued on backward,
totally out of control, creating an unusual vista for other skiers.
The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the
lift, and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was that
she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last
her husband arrived, put an end to her nudie show, then went to the base
of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to
In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with an
obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers. "So, how'd you
break your leg?" she asked, making small talk.
"It was the damnest thing you ever saw," he said. "I was riding up
the ski lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was
this crazy woman skiing backward out of control down the mountain with
her bare bottom hanging out of her clothes, and her pants down
around her knees. I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I
didn't realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift.
So how'd you break your arm?"