A lady Canadian libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the government,
complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being
held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.
She received the following reply:
National Defence Headquarters
MGen George R. Pearkes Bldg, 15 NT
101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2
Dear Concerned Citizen,
Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of
treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces
who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are
currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National
Correctional System facilities.
Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were
heard loud and clear here in Ottawa .
You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like
yourself; we are creating a new department here at the Department of
National Defence, to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers'
program, or L.A.R.K. for short.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided
to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care.
Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation
under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday.
Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared
for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of
It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We
will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for
Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommend in your letter.
Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that
your sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal problem' will
help him overcome these character flaws.
Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural
We understand that you plan to offer counselling and home schooling.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and
can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail
We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next
He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common
household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless
(in your opinion) this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except
sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property.
This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to
show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress
code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire.
I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over
Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and religious
beliefs' as described in your letter.
Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you
keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow
You take good care of Ahmed and remember we'll be watching.
Good luck and God bless you.