TO: MR. JAMES THATCHER,
PROCTER & GAMBLE.
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I
appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard
Core(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding
or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the
beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your
revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to
realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you
how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the
curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting
right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging
through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll
be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with
knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?
As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen
quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers'
monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating,
puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying
jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for
most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent
urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just
because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps.
Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is
just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the
reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach
inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and
there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy
Are you f@cking kidding me?
What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think
happiness-actual smiling, laughing happiness-is possible during a menstrual
period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well,
did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there
will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack
yourself up on Motrin and Kahl˙a and lock yourself in your house just so you
don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a
sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull
your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi
pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent,
like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you
just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately,
there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my
maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your
Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending
bullsh*t. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.