Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get
into my own pants.
Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a
Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer
or a moaner.
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the
I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them
There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and sh*t head's.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special
person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.
Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of
consecutive days I've stayed alive.
How come we choose from just two people to run for president
and 50 for Miss America?
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a
peeing section in a swimming pool?