My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me
to time an egg.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips,
yet she won't drink from my glass!
My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and
just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you
see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."
Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a
sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I
went over. Nobody was home!
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.
If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said,
"Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No,I hate
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's
when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex
My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the
kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I was such an ugly baby,when I was born the Doctor slapped my
I went to see my DR, DR.Vinnie Goomba. He asked if I had this
before? I said yes. He said well you got it again.
I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for
The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked
"Why?".He said "Because you came home early."
My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the
Fruit- of-the-Loom guys giggling.
At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.
My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from
Chicago last night.