Pretty soon, I won't be able to do anything except sit in my chair and read!
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue
on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope
that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the
$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating
in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out
for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers. I can't enjoy a good Latte from Starbucks
anymore because they WOULD NOT send any coffee to that poor Army Sgt who
requested it. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I
smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car
so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the microwave
anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our
American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for
which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan
I no longer worry about sudden cardiac arrest, since I can now cough
myself back to life instead of wasting time calling 911.
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my
free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown
African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it
bites my butt.
Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can
live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the
parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting
underneath my car to grab my leg.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this
afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to
grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a
friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's
cousin's beautician, who is a lawyer.