In case you have been waiting breathlessly for this year's Darwin Awards,
here they are. The awards this year are, once again, truly classic.
These awards are given each year to bestow upon (the remains or estate of)
that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most
to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool. Just think...until
these events, these same people were walking the streets like normal people.
Goes to a San Anselmo, California man who died when he hit a lift tower at
the Mammoth Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad.
22-year old David Hubal was pronounced dead at Central Mammoth Hospital. The
accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's department said.
Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run called Stump alley
and removed some yellow foam protectors from lift towers, said Lt. Mike
Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police Department. The pads are used to
protect skiers who might hit towers. The group apparently used the pads to
slide down the ski slope and Hubal crashed into a tower. It has since been
investigated and determined the tower he hit was the one with its pad
Goes to Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis
market. When the clerk threatened to call the police, Puelo grabbed a hot
dog, shoved it into his mouth and walked out without paying. Police found
him unconscious in front of the store. Paramedics removed the six-inch
wiener from his throat where it had choked him to death.
Goes to poacher Marino Malerba of Spain, who shot a stag standing above him
on an overhanging rock and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
"Man loses face at party." A man at a West Virginia party (probably related
to the winner last year, a man in Arkansas who used the .22 bullet to
replace the fuse in his pickup truck) popped a blasting cap into his mouth
and bit down, triggering an explosion that blew off his lips, teeth, and
tongue. Jerry Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank
during the party late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D. Payne. "Another man had
it in an aquarium hooked to a battery and was trying to explode it. It
wouldn't go off and this guy said I'll show you how to set it off." He put
it into his mouth, bit down and it blew all his teeth out and his lips and
tongue off, Payne said. Stromyer was listed in guarded condition Wednesday
with extensive facial injuries, according to a spokesperson at Charleston
Area Medical Division. "I just can't imagine anyone doing something like
that," Payne said.
Doctors at Portland University Hospital said an Oregon man shot through the
skull by a hunting arrow is lucky to be alive and will be released soon from
the hospital. Tony Roberts, 25, lost his right eye last weekend during an
initiation into a men's rafting club, Mountain Men Anonymous (probably known
now as Stupid Mountain Men Anonymous) in Grants Pass, Oregon. A friend tried
to shoot a beer can off his head, but the arrow entered Robert's right eye
Doctors said that had the arrow gone 1 millimeter to the left, a major blood
vessel would have been cut and Roberts would have died instantly.
Neurosurgeon, Doctor Johnny Delashaw, at the University Hospital in Portland
said the arrow went through 8 to 10 inches of brain with the tip protruding
at the rear of his skull, yet somehow managed to miss all major blood
vessels. Delashaw also said that had Roberts tried to pull the arrow out on
his own he surely would have killed himself.
Roberts admitted afterwards that he and his friends had been drinking that
afternoon. Said Roberts, "I feel so dumb about this." No charges have been
filed, but the Josephine County district attorney's office said the
initiation stunt is under investigation.
Now, THIS YEAR'S WINNER:
(The late) John Pernicky and his friend, (the late) Sal Hawkins, of the
great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at
the George Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets (but having had 18
beers between them), they thought it would be easy to "hop" over the nine
foot fence and sneak into the show. They pulled their pickup truck over to
the fence and the plan was for Mr. Pernicky, who was 100 pounds heavier than
Mr. Hawkins, to hop the fence and then assist his friend over. Unfortunately
for (the late) Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30-foot drop on the other side of
the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a
tree. His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm) by a
large branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the tree with a
broken arm, he looked down and saw some bushes below him. Possibly figuring
the bushes would break his fall, he removed his pocket knife and proceeded
to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree. Finally free, Mr.
Pernicky crashed into holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his ENTIRE
body and now, without the protection of his shorts, a holly branch
penetrated his rectum. To make matters worse, upon landing his pocket knife
penetrated his thigh. Hawkins, seeing his friend in considerable pain and
agony, threw him a rope and tried to pull him to safety by tying the rope to
the pickup truck and slowly driving away. However, in his drunken haste, he
put the truck into reverse and crashed through the fence landing on his
friend and killing him. Police arrived to find the crashed pickup with its
driver thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead at the scene from massive
internal injuries. Upon moving the truck, they found John under it
half-naked, scratches on his body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in
his thigh, and his shorts dangling from a tree branch 25 feet in the air.
Congratulations gentlemen. You win. And some more idiots have been removed
from the gene pool.