As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for
department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement,
thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our
future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the
current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged
Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the
opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request
a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes
place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.
SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who
have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal
with upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher
Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an
employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many
times as the company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she
will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's
Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).
As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any
employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or
SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees
who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training
employees through our: Special High Intensity Training (SH*T). We take
pride in the amount of SH*T our employees receive. We have given our employees
more SH*T than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do
not receive enough SH*T on the job, see your immediate manager.
Your manager is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SH*T you
can stand. And, once again, thanks for all your years of
service with us.