I think Santa Claus is a woman .... I hate to be the one to defy sacred
myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big,
organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time
believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting
gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind
of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they - with
amazing calm - call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping
Once at the mall, they always seem suprised to find only Ronco products,
socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might
think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband
tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour
decision-making burden.) on this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a
woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up
Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree,
still in the bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all,
there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and
strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate
claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already
be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have
reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would
inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to
stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact there would be
unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would
stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to
check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under
every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly
upright 90-degree angle.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
- Men can't pack a bag.
- Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
- Men would feel their masculinity is threatened.. having to be
seen with all those elves.
- Men don't answer their mail.
- Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in
jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowl full of jelly."
- Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.
- Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their
ability to pick up women.
- Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.
I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men ......
Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite
guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician
who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the
testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long
as we have each other, goodwill, peace on earth, faith and Nat King
Cole's version of "The Christmas Song" it probably makes little
difference what gender Santa is. I just wish she'd quit dressing like