Job Ads Made Easy
Date of Joke: Tuesday, 21st September, 2004

What the Job Ad says & What it means:

Advancement opportunity:
Sh*t job

Entry level
Really sh*t job

No experience necessary
The mother of all sh*t jobs

Administrative assistant
Sh*t job with a title

Ground floor opportunity
Sh*t job with a company that will file bankruptcy within a year

Progressive company
Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday

Team player
Must deal with dangerously territorial co-workers with rabid personalities

Upbeat personality
Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug and alcohol rehab benefit within the first year

Word processing skills essential
There's a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future.

Public relations Receptionist Professional appearance important
$20K/year that requires a $100K wardrobe

Pleasant telephone manner
Be voice of 1-900-SUCK

Earn up to $300/hr:
BE 1-900-SUCK

Salary range $24K to $32K
This salary is $24K

Jeans job!
Minimum wage temp job in concentration camp conditions

B.A. required, master's preferred
Must be an M.A. and be willing to work on a B.A.'s salary

Civil service
This job was filled from the inside six months ago

Women & minorities encouraged to apply
White males need not waste the stamp

Outstanding benefits package
Health insurance

Tons of variety!
We took all the heinous tasks no other employee would do and rolled them in to one job.

Top-notch communication skills
Telemarketing

Beautiful offices in attractive locations
Brand new ticky-tacky windowless building where the picture frames all match the carpeting

Secretary
Woman-only job with the responsibilities of management and wages of a migrant worker

Executive secretary
The most powerful position in any company

Dedicated
You're looking at a minimum of 80 hrs/wk from now until we force you in to early retirement

Salary commensurate
We will pay whatever the hell we feel like

Salary negotiable
We will take the lowest bidder

Competitive salary
We'll pay you up to 10% more than your last job, but not one penny more

Competitive starting salary
Ten cents above minimum wage

Pleasant atmosphere
A staff of pod people

Professional atmosphere
Zombie pod people

Fun, creative atmosphere
Pod people from hell

Dynamic atmosphere
Zombie pod people from hell

Gal Friday
Anyone who actually applies for this job deserves it

Self-starter
Open to very broad interpretation since no one really knows what this means


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