By Scott Roeben
was a very wise man. But you'd never know it because he used such
fancy-schmancy words. Now our crack team of cunning linguists has translated
a number of Shakespeare's quotes into modern day English. It's about time we
were all able to enjoy the wit and wisdom of this oddly groomed scribe.
Self-love, my liege, is not so vile a sin, as self-neglecting.
Translation: We should masturbate more.
The weakest kind of fruit drops earliest to the ground.
Translation: Only fight sissies.
Great floods have flown from simple sources.
Translation: Never have sex with your girlfriend during her period.
The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
Translation: Let's kill all the lawyers. Really.
Be to yourself as you would to your friend.
Translation: It's OK to sleep with your sister because your friend sure would.
Is the jay more precious than the lark because his feathers are more beautiful?
Translation: Good-looking strippers get bigger tips.
Have patience, and endure.
Translation: Use one of those numbing creams if you have to. Or try wearing five condoms at once.
I can express no kinder sign of love than this kind kiss.
Translation: First base is better than striking out altogether.
Men at some time are masters of their fate.
Translation: Get married and you're screwed.
They that thrive well take counsel of their friends.
Translation: If your drinking buddies say she's really a man, listen to them.
That man that hath a tongue, I say, is no man, if with his tongue he cannot win a woman.
Translation: If you're desperate to impress her, you can always resort to oral sex.
O, flatter me, for love delights in praises.
Translation: Honesty isn't necessarily the best policy when it comes to penis size.
The course of true love never did run smooth.
Translation: When dumping someone, always wear a protective cup.
I'll note you in my book of memory.
Translation: Don't expect me to call the day after.
Alas, poor world, what treasure hast thou lost.
Translation: Lap dances have actually been outlawed in some parts of the country.
Love's gentle spring doth always fresh remain.
Translation: With a little help from our friends at Massengill, that is.
Praising what is lost, makes the remembrance dear.
Translation: When you're telling your buddies about your conquests, exaggerate. A lot.
'Tis better to be brief than tedious.
Translation: Nooners rock.
My endeavors have ever come too short of my desires.
Translation: You've never had twins and you never will. Get over it.