Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much
to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding
night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's
impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know.
Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know! I mean,
gimme a break. He's been dysfunctional for so long that
he even walks with a limp.
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday,
I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market
that will fix his 'problem.' It's called Viagra. I told
him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they
were on our wedding night. He said, 'this time, I'd rather
not have your mother join us.' I think this will work. I
replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift
something other than his mood.
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended!
Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd
like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him.
Get over yourself! Not everything is about you!
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday,
instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend
as a weed wacker.
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take
so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra
down with hard cider! The photo of Janet Reno isn't
working. What am I gonna do?
The side effects are starting to get to him. Everything is
turning blue. The other day, we were watching Kenneth
Branaugh in Hamlet and he thought it was The Smurfs Do
I'm basically being drilled to death. It's like going out
with a Black and Decker power tool.
I wish he was gay. I bought 400 Liza Minelli albums and I
keep saying 'fabulous,' and still he keeps coming after me!
Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife feels. Every time I
shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to
bed with a scud missile. Let's hope he's not like ex-
President Bush and takes 100 days to pull out!
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working.
I even started dressing like a nun. Now he tells me sister
Wendy revs his motor.
I may just have to kill him. Then he'll go out the way he
wants to... stiff! With my luck, I won't be able to close