1.) "If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to
work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today."
2.) "When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition
to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about
3.) "I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the
other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some
kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the
explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the
polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) for the clocks in the
house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled
up New York Times. Accordingly, I will now be in late, or early."
4.) "I have to go in for a blood transfusion... My stigmata's
acting up again."
5.) "I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking
my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
6.) "I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I
know we have that deadline to meet, so if you really want me to
7.) "I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the
8.) "Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit
disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be
able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint,
but thank you for calling."
9.) "I accidentally converted my calendar from Julian to
Gregorian and lost today."
10.) "I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally,
I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now
contain false information.
11.) "The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He
even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I
12.) "The dog ate my car keys and we have to hitchhike to the
13.) "Today I am compelled to remain an enigma."
14.) "My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and
we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her
heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it."
15.) "I can't come to work today because the EPA has
determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands
and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
16.) "Constipation has made me a walking time bomb and I have
to keep my back to an open window.