The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good
ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
Santa Claus has the right idea ...
Visit people only once a year.
What would men be without women?
Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce.
By all means, marry.
If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.
Every now and then she stops to breathe.
The male is a domestic animal which,
if treated with firmness and kindness,
can be trained to do most things.
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
~ Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living.
The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
What's the use of happiness?
It can't buy you money.
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'.
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
~Herbert Henry Asquith
I don't feel old.
I don't feel anything until noon.
Then it's time for my nap.
A woman drove me to drink ...
and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.
It takes only one drink to get me drunk.
The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth
or the fourteenth.
The cardiologist's diet:
If it tastes good ... spit it out.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.