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Life's Insights
Date of Joke: Thursday, 10th January, 2013

1. "I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms." - Michael Flatley (lead Riverdancer)

2. (On the difference between men and women:) "On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars." - Bruce Willis

3. "And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'" - George Burns

4. "What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'" - Sandra Bullock

5. "The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire' and the computer will ask, 'Specify type of goat.'" -Jason Alexander (from Seinfeld)

6. "Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die." -Carmen Boyle (Olympic Luge Gold Medal winner 1996)

7. "There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do." - Henry Kissenger (former US Secretary of State)

8. "My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker." - Dan Rather (News anchorman)

9. "I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'" - Arnold Schwarzenegger

10. "Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in." - Courtney Cox (Monica on "Friends")

11. "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." - Tiger Woods

12. "I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves." - Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)

13. "I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot." - Axel Rose (Guns'n'Roses)

14. "Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master." - Rev. Jesse Jackson

15. "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." - Jack Nicholson


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