"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on
the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell
you which number to press.
If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,
no one will answer.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until
someone comes on the line.
If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone
number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's
If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep,
or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term
memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If
you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too
busy to talk to you."