Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your
I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no
I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze
pilots wore helmets.
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have
been more specific.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad
at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his
head out the window?
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an
idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking
five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we
have no idea where she is.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go
out, I lock every second one. I figure no matter how
long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are
always locking three of them.
One out of every three Americans is suffering from
some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best
friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I
think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all
over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and
they tell you it's because they're such beautiful
animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have
photographs of her on the wall.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my
suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was
murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn't know there
were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.