1. "Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
2. "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After
having met you, I've changed my mind."
3. "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in
Hell until I met you."
4. "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to
ruin it for me."
5. "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
6. "As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me.
Like the need for therapy..."
7. "Thanks for being a part of my life! I never knew what evil was before
8. "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to
take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
9. "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
10. "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who
the father was?"
11. "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and
there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you
12. "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday,
so we're having you put to sleep."
13. "How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby?"
14. "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
15. "Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that
are bigger than mine."
16. "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!
17. "Congratulations on getting Married! It's not every day you decide to
ruin your life!"
18. "I always wanted to be rich, powerful, and well respected. While I'm
dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly."
19. "Sex with you is like using drugs. Lots of people do it, but nobody's
stupid enough to admit it."
20. "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that
we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
21. "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend.
So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
22. "We have been friends for a very long time. What say we call it
23. "If you didn't have any money, I'd still love you. And miss you very
24. "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Virginia)