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Top 25 things on Martha Stewart's to-do list
Date of Joke: Tuesday, 11th May, 2004

25. Come up with 50 new shades of gray for Martha Stewart Paints.

24. Start marketing new "Martha Stewart Soap-on-a-Rope."

23. Schedule hair and nails; think about going short-short and tres butch.

22. Begin preparations for inevitable jailhouse conversion to Islam.

21. Dump Omnimedia stock before word gets out about the verdict.

20. Cut deal with Bush administration in exchange for lucrative post-war Iraqi catering contract.

19. Send that nice judge a quilt handmade with $50 bills.

18. Berate domestic staffers while I still can.

17. Note to self: Next time, bury insider-trading memos in my all-natural recycling compost heap.

16. Shoot prosecuting attorneys and have them stuffed for throw pillows.

15. Accept offer to pose nude in Better Homes and Gardens.

14. Offer large reward for palatable crow recipe.

13. Start crocheting toilet-seat doilies, because that metal's probably cold in the morning.

12. Cover paper trail leading to al-Qaeda.

11. Request a prison where the uniforms have vertical, not horizontal, stripes.

10. Test whether a little club soda and lemon juice can remove stains from a soul.

9. Possible strategy for appeal: Blame it all on Scott Peterson!

8. Bake a seven-layer white-chocolate cake with framboise ganache. Place file between layers. Freeze.

7. Start work on new book: Minimum Security With Maximum Flair.

6. Ask Rosie how to say "I'm not interested" in Lesbianese.

5. Remember... Outside: "And that's a GOOD thing!" Inside: "Shit be da bomb, yo!"

4. Try to take that bitch Betty Crocker down with me.

3. Roll around in a huge friggin' pile of money one last time before going off to jail.

2. Inform High Emperor that climate on this planet has changed; request transfer back to Bitchior.

and the Number 1 Thing on Martha Stewart's To-Do List...

1. Thwart prison rapists by sealing my vagina shut with a hot-glue gun.


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