1. "I can't find it."
MEANS: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I am completely clueless.
2. "That's women's work."
MEANS: It's difficult, dirty and thankless.
3. "Will you marry me?"
MEANS: Both of my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer and there's no peanut butter left.
4. "It's a guy thing."
MEANS: There's no rational thought pattern connected to it and you have no chance at all of making it logical.
5. "Can I help with dinner?"
MEANS: Why isn't it already on the table?
6. "It would take too long to explain."
MEANS: I have no idea how it works.
7. "I'm getting more exercise lately."
MEANS: The batteries in the remote are dead.
8. "We're going to be late."
MEANS: I have a legitimate reason for driving like a maniac.
9. "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
MEANS: I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.
10. "That's interesting dear."
MEANS: Are you still talking?
11. "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
MEANS: I forgot our anniversary again.
12. "You expect too much from me."
MEANS: You expect me to stay awake?
13. "It's really a good movie."
MEANS: It's got guns, knives, fast cars and lots of women.
14. "You know how bad my memory is."
MEANS: I remember the words to the theme song of F-Troop, the address of the first girl I kissed and the vehicle identification number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.
15. "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
MEANS: The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.
16. "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
MEANS: I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt.
17. "Hey, I've got reasons for what I'm doing."
MEANS: What did you catch me at?
18. "She's one of those rabid feminists."
MEANS: She refused to make my coffee.
19. "I heard you."
MEANS: I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and hope I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me.
20. "You know I could never love anyone else."
MEANS: I am used to the way you nag at me, and realize it could be worse.
21. "You really look terrific in that outfit."
MEANS: Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving.
22. "I brought you a present."
MEANS: It was free ice scraper night at the hockey game.
23. "I missed you."
MEANS: I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry, and we're out of toilet paper.
24. "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
MEANS: No one will ever see us alive again.
25. "This relationship is getting too serious."
MEANS: I like you almost as much as I like my truck.
26. "I don't need to read the instructions."
MEANS: I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.